Feeling Guilty - Ruth Cetina Jimenez '18

“The great test of this life is obedience” (Thomas S.Monson). Obedience is to hard to follow and more if you are a teenager with a closed mind, living in your world and thinking that whatever you say or do is correct. You feel like the king of the world, and the authorities… well, you just do not care about them. The rules? Rules do not even exist for you, so it is harder to take it seriously and follow them, am I wrong?

            It was a sunny day; the sun was evaporating the water in the ceiling of the houses that the night's rain provoked. My neighbor's rooster cackled at exactly 6:00 AM just like every day, and it was time to get ready for school. I helped my mom with my brothers, and when I was done, I went to her and ask her about this night party that was going to be in a senior year friend´s house. She just looked at me and made the eyes she always uses when something is not going okay. Behind those eyes I could already see the answer. I wasn't going to freak out if she said no, I felt it coming.

And the speech started.

“Ruth, this senior friend you have you know I do not like him. You can't go,” She turned around holding the keys of the car and at the same time shouting to my brothers to hurry. In that moment I went to my room, took a pillow and just started shouting. I really wanted to go to the party. All my friends were going, so my mind started making plans. First I thought to escape from my house at night when everyone had fallen asleep, but then I remembered that my house it´s like a prison. To be able to go into my house there are two options, either crash the front gate and make noise or jump the bard and electrocute yourself. If you achieve that part, you got into my yard. Now, to get into my house you have 5 doors, each door with a heavy rack and a lock. With help of God, you might find one without a lock and go in, then if you want to go upstairs there's this heavy rack (again) with a lock, but the problem with this one is that it is close to where my parents sleeps and it makes lots of noise when you open it. In conclusion, escaping from my house at midnight wasn't an option. School time arrived, I got into the car without talking to my parents and closed my eyes until the car stop at it's final destination, “hell” that´s how my friends and I call the school.

            After all what happened it was clear that that day was not going to be my day.

I ran into my classroom, and the first thing I did was tell my friends that my mom didn't let me go to the party. They were disappointed, but one of them had this wonderful idea to have a sleepover in her house, and in the middle of the night we will go to the party with her mom knowing. The plan was the following: The party was set to start at 11:00 pm. and at 4:00 PM my mom will leave me at my friend's house for the supposed sleep over, then at 6:00 PM my other friends will come with junk food and sodas to watch a movie, and at 10 PM start getting ready.

            The plan was set up perfectly, I was just missing my mom´s permission. The school was over and my mom was picking up from school. As soon as my mom parked the car, I jumped into it and asked for permission. To my surprise, the answer was yes. I was so excited, I started laughing and singing my favorite song with my little brother, for me the day was perfect (avoiding my disaster of morning). We reached home and I started to get ready, packing my stuff, choosing my outfits for the party, sending pictures of all the clothes I tried to my best friend. This process lasted about ten minutes. After that I as ready to go.

            The waiting was over, I was in the car with my mom reaching my friend's house, my mom was driving and at the same time telling me to behave, to be educated, and the important part, to not get out of my friend´s house, I just answered yes to everything she said with a fatigued tone, but anyways, I was going to the party! My mom finally stopped. I said goodbye with a cheek kiss and a hug that lasted no more than ten seconds. I just wanted to leave and see my friend.

            It was 10 pm and we all went to the room of my friend´s mom to say we were ready to go, but she asked us.

“Girls, did you asked your parents?” All the girls answered “yes” with a knot in the throat and our hands were shaking, but her mom didn't realize.

            We were at the party, the music was loud, everyone was dancing, drinking and having a lot of fun. By the time I arrived, my favorite song was playing. I remembered my little brother and felt a little guilty, but just a little, so I didn´t mind. I continued dancing and singing. Everything was going perfectly until my phone started to ring. It was my mom. I needed to run out of the party, to a place that the music couldn't be heard by the person talking in the phone in this case, my mother. I ran 900 meters away from the house and answered the phone. At that moment all my emotions were going up and down, a headache started, my stomach was roaring, but I answered.

“Where are you” she was angry. I knew it. I know her voice.

“I´m in Euge´s house, just where you leave me, remember,” I was scared. I have never done this before, but her answer was the silence, the deepest silence I have ever heard before. A tear came out from my eyes. I was feeling guilty, bad, so I said,

“Mom? Are you still in there?” and she answered

“Yes, I´m here, just right behind you. Turn around, little girl.” In that moment, my heart stopped, everything was passing through my mind, all kind of punishments, and obviously, my cellphone, it was going to be gone. I turned around, and just as my mom said, she was right behind me. She was disappointed. She didn't want to talk, I felt really bad, so I started the conversation.

“I´m sorry, Mom, it wasn't my intention.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said.

“Why, why did you do this to me, you have everything you need, a happy family, a house, a nice school, a lot of friends, a house!” in that moment, the moment I saw my mom crying my whole world was falling down into little pieces. I can see everything but seeing my mom crying it is just impossible for me. I had no words. I reply with another I´m sorry. She didn't have an answer for me. We were at home and I went down the car directly to my room to sleep. I cried until I felt asleep. At the next day my mom and my dad, both of them talked to me. They showed that they were disappointed. They didn't expect that from a girl like me. In Mexico I had almost perfect grades, my average was 9.8, here in the states a GPA of 4.00. I am very kind with my brothers, I never fight with my parents, I have my days, where I don't want to talk to anyone, but they understand. The only thing that they didn't understand was why I did that if every permission I asked for the answer was yes. I explained that I really wanted to go to the party with my friends, and that I was really sorry. This incident will not be repeated. They understood very well. I was punished for two weeks, but it was worth it. I spend time with my family more than  I was used to; I really enjoyed my punishment.

I regret my decision a million times, that I enjoyed my punishment doesn´t mean that what I did was correct, I thought with my head and not with my heart. I will never do it again.